Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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