booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
