Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
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What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
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As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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