You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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