You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
