he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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