i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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