Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
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