evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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