I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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