someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
