he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
