i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
This is my gift to your gina
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
