You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
