just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
