And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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