I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
