It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
