I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
