the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
