8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
