My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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