A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
