What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
