Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
