You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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