tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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