So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
