i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
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My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
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Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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