Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
