I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
