Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
