I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
