....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
