you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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