Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
