why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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