Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
