Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
