i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
