Kareoke will never be a sober sport
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
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