Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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