Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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