I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
