i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
