I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
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