I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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