things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
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complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
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Come back. Shots need mouths.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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