I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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