All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
