remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
