If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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