i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Sext me about skeletons
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
