This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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