so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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