Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
