btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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